Many parents are frustrated by their child's anger issues.
Kids who have anger control problems are often very difficult to work with because most parenting techniques such as punishments and rewards do little if anything to reduce the behavior.
Fortunately, the way to teach anger control is also the way to help our kids mature.
Sad tears are nature's way of helping kids to adapt to what is not working for them.
As Dr.
Gordon Neufeld so clearly explains, their brains are hardwired such that they need to cry when they are faced with the futility of things not going the way they want them to go.
Whether that is a toy they can not have at this minute or a friend who snubs them at school, without tears, kids are unlikely to see the futility of continuing to try to get the toy, or to win the friend back.
Without tears kids get stuck, and ironically their world becomes more frustrating because of their failure to adapt.
In this article I want to share a powerful example of how a parent used this information to help her daughter.
The story is written in the moms' words, in the first person and all names have been changed to protect the privacy of the family.
"My daughter became stuck in her defense against her tears and vulnerability when she was young.
I learned to work on helping Erica to feel her tears whenever she was faced with something she could not have, not just when she was angry.
Before that I used to crack down hard on her bad behavior, which did not seem to make any difference.
" "Last night was a perfect example of where helping her find her sadness stopped her from acting out in anger.
Erica was vacuuming the floor as her chore.
She forgot to do the front entrance, and when I reminded her, she snapped.
Her behavior was rapidly deteriorating and by her words I could tell she was in a bad place.
She said things like, 'You never check when Drew vacuums.
I hate vacuuming.
I am not going to do it.
' " "In the past I used to get sucked in to a power struggle (I relapsed recently, so I had some vivid reminders of why I did not want to go there again!).
So I came on her side and empathized with her situation.
I said things like, 'you really do not want to vacuum.
' I showed her that I understood her feelings, without rescuing her from the situation.
" "At one point when she grudgingly picked up the vacuum, she hurt herself on the metal rod.
She cried and cried.
I took her in my arms and held her.
After awhile she calmed down, and then she finished the job without another complaint.
She was loving and affectionate with me afterwards, when in the beginning of her resistance she was saying things like, 'You hate me.
' " "In the middle of her tears and carrying on, I was very tempted to relieve her of some of her job.
Fortunately I know that one of my most important jobs as a parent is to help her to accept limits so that she will be able to adapt and thrive in the world.
So I held firm, sympathizing with the fact that she had to do the job while being firm that she had to do it.
" The mother wrote that story almost a year ago.
I am delighted to report that the mother and daughter's relationship has continued to improve, and the daughter has become much more able to go with the flow, instead of rigidly sticking to her preferences.
It has been a joy to watch the power of a mother who knows how to nurture her child's tears, and help her to grow and mature.