How to Let Go of Valentine"s Day Expectations With a Narcissistic Emotional Abuser
How to Let Go of Valentine’s Day Expectations With a Narcissistic Emotional Abuser
February 17th, 2011 | Author: ruthd
If Valentine’s Day is one of those days when you look forward to experiencing what special surprise your loved one has in store for you, your imagination perhaps runs the full gamut of possibilities. Generally, however, if you are involved with a narcissistic emotional abuser, without their asking you what you’d like for Valentine’s Day, which they never do, you most likely find yourself focused on one particular gift. This gift is the “sign” that they really care about you. This gift will be the “sign” so you know they really do love you and it isn’t just words they are saying to “keep you in the picture.”
Days before the cursed event, you remind, you tell, you remind again what it is that you now haven’t just hinted about, but most likely have begun to demand as the tension builds with the day coming nearer. You’ve been down this road before last Christmas, on your anniversary, your birthday, the Valentine’s Day before this Valentine’s Day, and let’s stop reminding you of all the other painful memories. As Valentine’s Day nears, your mood has changed from one of anticipation and excitement to something described with feelings resulting in anxiety and tension.
You continue to want things to change. You continue to hope things will change. You continue. You, alone, continue. You are involved with a narcissist. You are still at the stage of wanting, hoping, and continuing to seek something from a well that has no water to produce. You, to some degree, are beginning to be aware of this reality and that is why your anticipation of something good to happen on Valentine’s Day has now moved to your system forewarning you to prepare for another disappointment. The disappointment caused from having an expectation of getting some kind of “proof” that their words have substance. That they are not only telling you they love you, but they are showing you they love you by “finally” buying something. Some “thing,” any “thing,” so you can know they care.
This is what is referred to as part of the “craziness” of being involved with a narcissistic emotional abuser. In the past, the healthy you, would have never imagined being in this type of situation. If anyone had ever come near to treating you with this type of disrespect, dishonoring or devaluing, you would have turned 180 degrees within seconds. What has happened to you, however, is you have fallen in love. You are in love with a human being who at some point in their life became incredibly broken.
You understand their brokenness. You empathize with their brokenness. To some degree you want to fix their brokenness. The problem with this scenario, however, is that all the time you are focusing on their brokenness, you are becoming more broken. There is not one broken vessel, but now two broken vessels. As time continues to pass, both vessels become more broken. This is your reality before the search for much needed change in your life is presented.
In the midst of heart break and gut-wrenching pain you realize this is not what you want in your life. You realize you want more in your life and in and from a loving relationship. You want something different from what you now have in your life and this is good. Change is good. Change will be good.
One of many changes available would be to make a decision to let go of having expectations from the narcissistic emotional abuser in your life. This change would position you to minimize the experience of disappointments, at least on those “special” occasions. This would be the beginning of your taking control of a small fraction of your emotions and your emotional well-being. By your having had an expectation of the narcissistic emotional abuser for the most recent celebration of Valentine’s Day, you positioned yourself for a disappointment. You no longer would be positioning yourself in this manner in the future.
You perhaps are now coming to the realization that you’ve moved forward to prevent yourself from the pain of disappointment by not having expectations from the narcissistic emotional abuser, but what about being made to feel special, after all, IT ‘WAS’ VALENTINE’S DAY?!
This is your life’s dream and this is your life’s dream being fulfilled as long as you remain with the narcissist. Or…is this your life’s dream?
[http://www.dare2bucounseling.com]
February 17th, 2011 | Author: ruthd
If Valentine’s Day is one of those days when you look forward to experiencing what special surprise your loved one has in store for you, your imagination perhaps runs the full gamut of possibilities. Generally, however, if you are involved with a narcissistic emotional abuser, without their asking you what you’d like for Valentine’s Day, which they never do, you most likely find yourself focused on one particular gift. This gift is the “sign” that they really care about you. This gift will be the “sign” so you know they really do love you and it isn’t just words they are saying to “keep you in the picture.”
Days before the cursed event, you remind, you tell, you remind again what it is that you now haven’t just hinted about, but most likely have begun to demand as the tension builds with the day coming nearer. You’ve been down this road before last Christmas, on your anniversary, your birthday, the Valentine’s Day before this Valentine’s Day, and let’s stop reminding you of all the other painful memories. As Valentine’s Day nears, your mood has changed from one of anticipation and excitement to something described with feelings resulting in anxiety and tension.
You continue to want things to change. You continue to hope things will change. You continue. You, alone, continue. You are involved with a narcissist. You are still at the stage of wanting, hoping, and continuing to seek something from a well that has no water to produce. You, to some degree, are beginning to be aware of this reality and that is why your anticipation of something good to happen on Valentine’s Day has now moved to your system forewarning you to prepare for another disappointment. The disappointment caused from having an expectation of getting some kind of “proof” that their words have substance. That they are not only telling you they love you, but they are showing you they love you by “finally” buying something. Some “thing,” any “thing,” so you can know they care.
This is what is referred to as part of the “craziness” of being involved with a narcissistic emotional abuser. In the past, the healthy you, would have never imagined being in this type of situation. If anyone had ever come near to treating you with this type of disrespect, dishonoring or devaluing, you would have turned 180 degrees within seconds. What has happened to you, however, is you have fallen in love. You are in love with a human being who at some point in their life became incredibly broken.
You understand their brokenness. You empathize with their brokenness. To some degree you want to fix their brokenness. The problem with this scenario, however, is that all the time you are focusing on their brokenness, you are becoming more broken. There is not one broken vessel, but now two broken vessels. As time continues to pass, both vessels become more broken. This is your reality before the search for much needed change in your life is presented.
In the midst of heart break and gut-wrenching pain you realize this is not what you want in your life. You realize you want more in your life and in and from a loving relationship. You want something different from what you now have in your life and this is good. Change is good. Change will be good.
One of many changes available would be to make a decision to let go of having expectations from the narcissistic emotional abuser in your life. This change would position you to minimize the experience of disappointments, at least on those “special” occasions. This would be the beginning of your taking control of a small fraction of your emotions and your emotional well-being. By your having had an expectation of the narcissistic emotional abuser for the most recent celebration of Valentine’s Day, you positioned yourself for a disappointment. You no longer would be positioning yourself in this manner in the future.
You perhaps are now coming to the realization that you’ve moved forward to prevent yourself from the pain of disappointment by not having expectations from the narcissistic emotional abuser, but what about being made to feel special, after all, IT ‘WAS’ VALENTINE’S DAY?!
This is your life’s dream and this is your life’s dream being fulfilled as long as you remain with the narcissist. Or…is this your life’s dream?
[http://www.dare2bucounseling.com]
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