Maintaining effective communication with your teenager can be a challenge to say the least! Teens are often prepared to disagree and argue with their parents on almost every topic.
This is due to their wanting to gain independence from their parents which is part of their normal developmental process.
That being said, being on the receiving end of this constant arguing is not fun and can create a lot of worry for parents.
Generally, parents want to stay connected to their teens but find that communicating with them, even around the most simple things, can be quite a challenge.
Below are some tips to assist parents who may be struggling with communicating effectively with their teens.
1.
Model for your teens what you expect from them.
If you don't want them to yell at you, you cannot yell at them.
They will not respond to the old saying, "do as I say, not as I do".
They will resent the double standard and will likely yell even more.
2.
Use "Door Openers", not "Door Slammers".
Door Openers are phrases and words which are open ended and allow your teenager to share their thoughts and feelings on a subject.
For example: "Do you want to talk about it?", "What do you think about this?", "I think you may be able to help us out with this, what are your ideas?" These phrases let your teen know you value what they think and does not send them the message that you are trying to control them.
Door Slammers are phrases and words that shut down conversations and make teenagers feel powerless or unimportant.
For example: "That is none of your business", "I don't care what your friends are able to do", "Don't come crying to me when you mess this up", "We are not going to talk about this again".
These phrases and words generally come out during times of frustration (and are very normal so don't feel bad if you have used them) but generally create more tension and frustration for teens who are already feeling confused and powerless in their lives.
3.
Don't just walk away from your teenager.
If they did something that has really upset you and you feel you cannot have a productive conversation in the moment, let them know that you are upset but that you would like to speak with them about whatever happened in a little while - don't just walk away and leave them uncertain about what is going on.
4.
Using Active Listening with them will increase the chances they will use it with you.
By actively listening you are letting your teenager know that you are interested in what they have to say and that they are important.
In order to do this, you should stop doing anything else that you are doing and focus on your teenager.
You should really listen to what they are saying and not be thinking about your response to them or thinking about what is for dinner.
They will know the difference and will know when you have truly turned into what they are saying.
By modeling this skill for them they will feel important and may also learn how to use active listening themselves.
5.
Make it a point to have positive communication and conversations with your teenager.
This may initially seems bazaar but it is important.
What often happens is that teens withdraw and decrease their overall communication with their parents during the teenage years.
This is normal, however, it often results in a decrease of positive conversations and interactions.
What happens is that the positive conversations do not take place so that parents are only really sitting down and talking with their teenager when absolutely necessary which is often around things that are problematic.
Not having these positive communications makes having the difficult conversations even more difficult.
Good opportunities for these positive conversations are when driving in the car or during an event that your teen enjoys (playing basketball, going to get a manicure, etc).
6.
Avoid talking too much or lecturing too much.
Your teenager will tune you out if you go on too long or until you get the response you are looking for from them.
The reality is that you may never get the response you want so it is better to just say what you need to say clearly, listen to their response and do not keep repeating yourself.
Teens report that they become very good at tuning out adults who go on and on and that they hear what is said initially, they may just choose not to agree with it.
The above tips are fairly easy to implement and can help increase the overall positive communication you have with your teenager.
Changing the way you behave and interact can significantly impact the way your teenager interacts with you.
© 2009 Elite Life Coaching