How Not to Be a Meetings Secretary in 7 Easy Lessons
1. Room Booking: on no account book any room for meetings. Rooms are better off used for some other purpose. Any other purpose. Stationery cupboards, cloakrooms and extra working spaces for staff are all greatly needed in the modern office, and therefore it stands to reason that any space booked out for a mere meeting is not being used to its fullest and best capacity. If people must meet - and here's hoping they mustn't - let it be in corridors or in lifts or the nearest free toilet cubicle. Let it be outside in winter, but only on really icy and/or rainy days. Whilst some might believe these measures to be draconian, the lack of environmental comfort resulting from your failure to book any room for the meeting in question will mean that minds are focused and meetings are short, with consequently few actions. Such a result is to be commended.
2. Catering: it hardly needs to be said, but don't book any. This makes any meeting you are forced to attend (and, worse, minute) very succinct indeed. In the old days before I became a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary, I always used to ensure everyone had enough coffee, tea, biscuits and sandwiches (and sometimes even cake) to launch the unfortunate Titanic all over again. Thankfully, one day, I forgot entirely about catering and my eyes were well and truly opened. After the inevitable wave of bitter complaints, everyone knuckled down to business, dashed through the agenda and produced the action list in fifteen minutes flat. It was a revelation and my life changed utterly. I was astonished how many meeting attendees said that they only ever attended the meetings in the first place because such a rich and varied range of catering was on offer and it was the only place in the whole company where they could cadge a free coffee. In fact, some of them didn't even work for the company at all and only popped in on the off-chance from the street. What a great deal I learnt on that astonishing day! I never ordered any kind of catering after that time, and my life as a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary has been far easier ever since, though I accept that I might well have driven many people to a life of secret eating elsewhere.
3. Paperwork: never ever have this in order. In fact, never have it at all. If some overly helpful colleague dares to send you papers they might wish to discuss at any meeting, ignore it and delete the email as quickly as possible. Certainly, never bother printing any paperwork off - today we live in the paperless age and by refusing to print anything, you can be sure of saving the environment. If you absolutely must keep the email or communication, then don't file it in the right place. That way, you can be sure never to find it again. If said colleague later objects and produces proof that they did in fact send it to you, deny all knowledge and blame the computer or the network. Preferably both. On the other hand, you could also produce the paperwork so badly that nobody ever asks you to do so again. At a previous IT consultancy job, I produced a series of PowerPoint slides for a would-be external client and happily sent them off with the consultant in question for his very important meeting. I do remember wondering what all those funny lines were doing dancing across the page across the slides, but simply thought it was a new artistic and certainly very modern way of presenting our case. Sadly it was just a mistake I'd not picked up on, and the consultant in question never really lived it down. That particular potential client didn't choose us for the project, needless to say. A magnificent failure indeed!
4. Pens and/or Paper: never take any. Paper does not fit into the image of the paperless office and should be avoided at all costs. If people in the meeting have to discuss something hugely important, someone will remember it and whose responsibility it was to do something about it so there is never any need to take notes. It's important to be modern. If you must take paper, make sure it's the smallest size post-it note you can find (to a maximum of 3 single small post-it notes) and also make sure that everyone sees that this is all you have. This will help them to keep any chat to an absolute minimum. Along the same lines, there is no need to take a pen or pencil or any kind of writing implement (or - perish the thought - any kind of laptop if you are very modern indeed) with you. If notes must be written on your very small post-it notes, then let them be scrawled in the blood or sweat of the chairperson's brow. Anything but your own sweat and blood. That would be most unseemly and, besides, a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary must look his or her best at all times.
5. Paying Attention during Meetings: don't! In fact, in the meeting, always wear headphones. This will prevent you from hearing what is going on and thus you will be utterly unable to write any of it down. As an extra incentive, make sure the headphones are switched on to some music station so you can effectively drown out the white noise of your colleagues' chatter. The worst thing you can do is accidentally overhear something in cases where someone is talking particularly loudly and then - horror of horrors - actually get interested in what might be going on. There is never any excuse for being interested. This is not what a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary should do.
6. Writing up: really, don't bother. Because the quicker you do this, the more likely it is that someone will ask you to minute another meeting, and that is the last thing you want to happen. Or if you have to do it quickly - for instance you're going on holiday and don't plan to come back or you've just won the lottery - then make sure you do the write-up so badly that nobody will ever ask you to do it again. I have to say that the crowning glory of my Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary career was in the first couple of days of one of my IT consultancy job. On that memorable first day - when I knew nobody and nothing - I was asked to take notes at an all-day (all day!) technical meeting offsite. I spent the whole time not having a clue what was going on - though the coffee provided at the venue was more than acceptable - and scribbling the words Help Me on the shorthand notebook in which I was attempting to jot down my colleagues' words of wisdom, alongside a lot of jargon and acronyms I had no hope of understanding. Everyone was very kind though, which was something. I then spent the next five days trying to write up a vaguely sensible version of what I thought might have been going on. Two days after I'd finally handed it in to the boss over a week later, he produced his own and far more accurate version of events for the group's consumption. I feel very proud indeed that my attendance and efforts were completely meaningless though I don't think I've ever quite reached those dizzy heights of incompetency again. Though I have tried, believe me.
7. Smiling: never do this. Smiling and looking enthusiastic and all too eager will get you into all sorts of trouble in life. It will also mean you end up minuting more meetings than your grumpier fellow secretaries. Smile at your peril. Better by far to practise a stern or even crazed expression whenever anyone approaches you, and you will soon be the kind of Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary whom nobody actually ever sees in a meeting room. Good luck!
2. Catering: it hardly needs to be said, but don't book any. This makes any meeting you are forced to attend (and, worse, minute) very succinct indeed. In the old days before I became a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary, I always used to ensure everyone had enough coffee, tea, biscuits and sandwiches (and sometimes even cake) to launch the unfortunate Titanic all over again. Thankfully, one day, I forgot entirely about catering and my eyes were well and truly opened. After the inevitable wave of bitter complaints, everyone knuckled down to business, dashed through the agenda and produced the action list in fifteen minutes flat. It was a revelation and my life changed utterly. I was astonished how many meeting attendees said that they only ever attended the meetings in the first place because such a rich and varied range of catering was on offer and it was the only place in the whole company where they could cadge a free coffee. In fact, some of them didn't even work for the company at all and only popped in on the off-chance from the street. What a great deal I learnt on that astonishing day! I never ordered any kind of catering after that time, and my life as a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary has been far easier ever since, though I accept that I might well have driven many people to a life of secret eating elsewhere.
3. Paperwork: never ever have this in order. In fact, never have it at all. If some overly helpful colleague dares to send you papers they might wish to discuss at any meeting, ignore it and delete the email as quickly as possible. Certainly, never bother printing any paperwork off - today we live in the paperless age and by refusing to print anything, you can be sure of saving the environment. If you absolutely must keep the email or communication, then don't file it in the right place. That way, you can be sure never to find it again. If said colleague later objects and produces proof that they did in fact send it to you, deny all knowledge and blame the computer or the network. Preferably both. On the other hand, you could also produce the paperwork so badly that nobody ever asks you to do so again. At a previous IT consultancy job, I produced a series of PowerPoint slides for a would-be external client and happily sent them off with the consultant in question for his very important meeting. I do remember wondering what all those funny lines were doing dancing across the page across the slides, but simply thought it was a new artistic and certainly very modern way of presenting our case. Sadly it was just a mistake I'd not picked up on, and the consultant in question never really lived it down. That particular potential client didn't choose us for the project, needless to say. A magnificent failure indeed!
4. Pens and/or Paper: never take any. Paper does not fit into the image of the paperless office and should be avoided at all costs. If people in the meeting have to discuss something hugely important, someone will remember it and whose responsibility it was to do something about it so there is never any need to take notes. It's important to be modern. If you must take paper, make sure it's the smallest size post-it note you can find (to a maximum of 3 single small post-it notes) and also make sure that everyone sees that this is all you have. This will help them to keep any chat to an absolute minimum. Along the same lines, there is no need to take a pen or pencil or any kind of writing implement (or - perish the thought - any kind of laptop if you are very modern indeed) with you. If notes must be written on your very small post-it notes, then let them be scrawled in the blood or sweat of the chairperson's brow. Anything but your own sweat and blood. That would be most unseemly and, besides, a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary must look his or her best at all times.
5. Paying Attention during Meetings: don't! In fact, in the meeting, always wear headphones. This will prevent you from hearing what is going on and thus you will be utterly unable to write any of it down. As an extra incentive, make sure the headphones are switched on to some music station so you can effectively drown out the white noise of your colleagues' chatter. The worst thing you can do is accidentally overhear something in cases where someone is talking particularly loudly and then - horror of horrors - actually get interested in what might be going on. There is never any excuse for being interested. This is not what a Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary should do.
6. Writing up: really, don't bother. Because the quicker you do this, the more likely it is that someone will ask you to minute another meeting, and that is the last thing you want to happen. Or if you have to do it quickly - for instance you're going on holiday and don't plan to come back or you've just won the lottery - then make sure you do the write-up so badly that nobody will ever ask you to do it again. I have to say that the crowning glory of my Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary career was in the first couple of days of one of my IT consultancy job. On that memorable first day - when I knew nobody and nothing - I was asked to take notes at an all-day (all day!) technical meeting offsite. I spent the whole time not having a clue what was going on - though the coffee provided at the venue was more than acceptable - and scribbling the words Help Me on the shorthand notebook in which I was attempting to jot down my colleagues' words of wisdom, alongside a lot of jargon and acronyms I had no hope of understanding. Everyone was very kind though, which was something. I then spent the next five days trying to write up a vaguely sensible version of what I thought might have been going on. Two days after I'd finally handed it in to the boss over a week later, he produced his own and far more accurate version of events for the group's consumption. I feel very proud indeed that my attendance and efforts were completely meaningless though I don't think I've ever quite reached those dizzy heights of incompetency again. Though I have tried, believe me.
7. Smiling: never do this. Smiling and looking enthusiastic and all too eager will get you into all sorts of trouble in life. It will also mean you end up minuting more meetings than your grumpier fellow secretaries. Smile at your peril. Better by far to practise a stern or even crazed expression whenever anyone approaches you, and you will soon be the kind of Fly-by-Night Meetings Secretary whom nobody actually ever sees in a meeting room. Good luck!
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